Category: Let's talk
Now then, as the new year really gains momentum and the alcoholic haze clears from minds stultified by the festivities, it's time for the Lawlord controversy machine to put a new proposition to you jolly old zoners. In this country, we currently have ridiculous legislation going through parliament which would seek to introduce ID cards by the year 2012 for every British citizen. The best bit, however, is that in order to obtain our ID cards which will eventually be compulsory to own but not compulsory to carry around, we shall have to pay £85. Now, the government justify this on two grounds and unfortunately the Conservatives have chosen to agree on this one: ID cards, they say, will prevent terrorism and will make things easier for the police. Bull shit, and bull shit I'm afraid! Firstly, to prevent terrorism the scheme will require the co-operation of all would-be terrorists, so Mr Bin Laden, when you go to your local plice station to have your ID card done for you, don't you dare lie and give a false name now! secondly, it's not compulsory to carry your ID card: so don't worry if you don't have it on you now, Mr terrorist, if you go along to your police station in a week's time and show it to ut you'll be all right mi' old mate. Thirdly, the police won't be able to check them because, again, it's not compulsory to have one with you. So what are they good for? absolutely nothing, except in the scenario wehre after a night of heavy drinking you suddenly forget what your name is, you can check and your faithful ID card will tell you. Does this advantage really justify the largest collection of personal data the country has ever seen? Of course not, and therefore, the government can't be giving us the real reason. Oh no, the real reason for ID cards is for the government to have more control over us, and remember we're talking about the government who wants to protect us from chocolates and crisps. Okay, Mr Blair, if that's your aim, why be so cowardly about it? The Lawlord wouldn't have done so! In fact, here's my alternative: grasp the ID card by the horns, make it a revolution, not only will it be compulsory to have one, it will be impossible to get rid of it. How do we achieve this? Well, every baby, I propose, who is born after January 1 2006, should have a mobile phone style sim card implanted into his or her brain. think about it: that way, the government would be able to track us wherever we went. it would be so much easier to hunt down the smokers, drag children from sweetshops and even force the prime minister to come to parliament and vote! And lookk at the advantages for us: instead of a piffling ID card of no use to the holder, each person would become a walking PDA! every person would, from birth, be their own phone line and internet connection, and Labour would fulfil its pledge of Broadband britain in one stroke! So come on, Tony, get rid of the crappy ID card and introduce the Lawlordian sim card at birth idea, then you wouldn't just be able to tap terrorist suspects' phones, you'd be able to tap their brains as well! grasp the nettle!
The thing about this would of course be that mobile phone companies may seek to coerce parents to sign their babies up to this or that network, which might have pricing and costs implications for these unfortunate youngsters. So obviously, the phone companies would have to be nationalised.
LL, hehe, you sound like me, putting thirdlies and such on everything. As for this topic, I pretty much agree with you. It's just an ID card, how much good can it do? And it's not going to prevent terrorism. Give me a break! And 85 pounds? What? Ouch!
Caitlin
Yes but Caitlyn, what about the sim card idea? Is that not a million times better? I'd pay £85 if I were able to connect to the internet and download MP3s directly to my ears!
could you have a sim card with talcs installed on it as well then? i mean ... for those of us who were not blessed with the gift of sight, it would need to be accessible after all, grin
You wouldn't need talkx. Everything would be done by thoughts that could be communicated to your sim card through your brain: so you'd just have to think www.cricinfo.com, for instance, and there you'd have the webpage in your mind. You'd be able to tell the content of it through intuition, as it were. Whatever would happen if you downloaded a virus by mistake?
Lawlord! LOL! Thta sounds even better then a pocket PC device! Can I have a lawlord card? Can I be a walking radio? With antenny in me? Yesness! Dude, rock on! Do we get expandable memory? How about new processors. Is this a non-sergical preceger? How about addwhere? And how much space is in our HD? Wow dude, that almost sounds like people would be walking braineacts!! Just think... wow, the knolige that could be in those things. Then which company to get the card from? Lawlord or Britishgov? Hmmm... I could just see it now! It'd be cheaper then a computer! And Do we get T1 access on our net? Do we get to broadcast from our head too? Wow dude! I love it man! John
a cym card implant sounds great idea! that way you could really charge more than a penny for your thoughts *smile* peak and off peak rates? as for id cards, agreed lawlord, they are not going to work unless we make it arrestable offence not to carry one.
Well, if the industry were nationalised as it would have to be under such a system, in my view, there would be no special rates etc. in fact you wouldn't have to pay anything at all I don't think except a tax levied on general use of your sim card. I reckon the advantages of this system are manifest though, so maybe we can persuade the government? Think I might write to the home secretary.
Hmm so LawLord, if the cym card be taxed according to usage e.g. isn't that puishing those who actually dare to think .. well on second thought thinking should be punishable by long-term imprisonment at least, it's most offensive to do such a thing in a modern society. And furthermore if someone e.g. thought "oh that Bin Laden guy, he is not all bad" his whereabouts can be broadcasted and the government can issue a permit on his/her head so the fox hunter folks can have new pray, once that person has been shot and the evidence of the killing turned in to the nearest government office the hunter will get his reward and we can all sleep more safely at night, may be this can be generalized to any criminal thoughts, oh what a wonderful world .
Exactly, this is my point! And don't you see? They could use it to monitor whether we were buying sweets and crisps as well. Dr John I'm Not a Rreal Doctor Reid, the unhealthy helth secretary, could deploy the SAS to lay waste to the chocolate factories and encourage all kids to go down the pub instead and take advantage of the late license, or regenerate the regions by going into one of those lovely casinos that Tessa Jowel would so much like us to have. Imagine the discipline it would bring to schools as well, and imagine how much time it would save. I mean, it would be impossible for kids to make excuses about not doing their homework, wouldn't it? In fact, a teacher might be able to tell in advance whether or not a kid was going to do his homework. It'd be a case of 'Okay, evans, come and see me at 4 PM for not doing that homework I'm about to set you at the end of the lesson. Don't look like that, I know you've already made up your mind not to do anything I set you!' what a wonderful world to rule this would be, eh?
That's right, I remember a friend of mine, who lives in England, said some thing about ID cards. If I remember correctly, he wasn't pleased. He said the government was making another atempt to be controlling. One of his concerns was that beings the card would be blank, you never know what information is put in to the chip. He was afraid some thing more than an ID would be there.
The card would be blank? No no no I don't think so. Unless you were the invisible man with no name, no fingerprints and no eyeprints, your card won't be blank. A lot of use a blank card would be afer a night down the pub wouldn't it? 'What's my name again? Oh damn my ID card is blank how the hell am I gonna find out!'. They're terrible though, really terrible and we shall soon all be playthings of Charles Clarke. What a disturbing thought.
Only slightly less disturbing than being playthings of David Blunkett, in fact, and we all know what happens to his playthings if they turn against him!
LL you really shouldn't drink so much that you forget your name after a night in the pub tsk tsk! Playthings eh....
perhaps wouldn't put it quite like that. Frey.
Well I think it's awfully considerate of Mr Blair to give us a means of remembering our names, you know, because what with all his talk aobut late licenses, there are some who will be wandering around in a perpetual state of amnesia! and imagine how much easier it would be at parties for the cassanovas, myself not included and please note that carefully, amongst us? a friend of mine once pulled five girls in very quick succession, and forgot all their names which made it embarrassing when they came to dance with him later on. With these new ID cards, however, one only need pin one's ID card to a visible part of one's clothing, and problem solved! think of all the hurt feelings that would be spared.
It just occurred to me: this must be why David Blunkett was so keen on them! that way, he could have the civil servant permanently at his elbow read the names of the women with whom he decided to have a dangerous liaison. It must have been so difficult to keep track, after all, there were quite a few weren't there? Of course with sim cards other people's names could be transported directly into our memories over the aforementioned broadband connection, so we wouldn't have to even introduce ourselves anymore.
A 'friend of mine' eh LL c'mon fess up we know you are talking about yourself eh Casanova hmmmm nudge nudge wink wink......sorry off topic again slapped wrist. Frey.
No no I'm afraid, I was not so lucky that particular evening at the law society school days disco, or indeed on any other evening, afternoon, night or morning or during any combination of the aforementioned periods of time on any day.
well I guess that just about covers every option ? School days disco eh, sounds like fun did you boogie on down hmmm?
Certainly did, was good fun and free cocktails all night. Problem was that at my school, the uniform was basically a suit and tie so not really in the spirit of things. Some of the girls were apparently lookking very nice in their school uniforms from days of yore.
But back to ID cards....what say you, zoners, to the argument that sim cards in babies might have civil liberties implications? I say who cares? If I can be my own internet connection etc. then civil liberties be damned!
Never say no to a free cocktail eh? Sim cards in babies, what are you on about? Sounds like a dreadful idea to me hmmmm...Frey.
no no no just a far more effective, efficient and advantageous alternative to the ID card. This way the government would all know where we are, who we are and what we're thinking, so the best possible guard against terrorism, whilst we ordinary people would be able to transmit word documents, make phone calls and even download mp3s directly to our ears by virtue of being our own mobile and internet connection. It's great, isn't it?
And getting back to the problem of serial cassanovas, they would be able to remember the names of their victims without difficulty because we'd all have sim cards constantly interfacing with one another and exchanging information. In fact, it may see an end to the practices of chatting up etc. and people would be able to be far more up front and direct. Whatever will happen when the network crashes though?
Now you're not serious are you when you say it's great? There's no way I'm having any government official knowing what I'm thinking....hmmm reminds me too much of Big Brother is watching you. It would be such a shame to do without the chatting up eh, that's half the fun isn't it? Frey.
Big Brother Blair wants to watch us all anyway, so I just thought this might be the thing that fulfils his policy to its full potential. Chatting up is indeed half the fun, especially when one or both of the participants is drunk and if you are but a sober spectator. that's the next best thing to participation.
So what's the latest on this, LL, I mean, in the news? Are they going ot go through with it soon?
Caitlin
No no no, Caitlyn. Some time before May the house of commons will ahve to debate the proposal again, but I doubt that there'll be time to force through this legislation before the election. I have, however, some very exciting news at least from my point of view and from the point of view of the citizens of Oxford: the lawlord is coming to town on February 17, to debate the advantages and disadvantages of ID cards with the government minister in charge. No mercy will be shown, I can assure you!
wOW ll, NO WAY!!! hOW COOL! gOOD LUCK AND LET US KNOW HOW it goes. Sorry for the caps there. I'm too lazy to go back and fix them eheheh.
Caitlin
Yes I am very much looking forward to it, especially as we have to have dinner with the minister beforehand, and a drinks evening with him afterwards. might get a few mentions of good old David Blunkett in, mightn't I? It pains me, though, to have to speak against the Conservative party on this issue but verily I must.
Dinner? Will there be burgers? Jk. But seriously. Wonder what there'll be. And you and that Blunkit business ... eheheh.
Caitlin
Will there be burgers indeed! This is a black tie dinner, so I sincerely hope there will not be burgers. Last time it was duck l'orange, which was very good indeed. A very good game pate to start with but the desert wasn't too hot so there's room for improvement there. That reminds me I must find those Conservative party cufflinks to wear at the dinner.
Cuff links? Pourquoi est-ce que? Lol. How stwange! And duck d'orange? How very French!
Caitlin
I presume you didn't mean to say pourquoi there Caitlyn, that would after all mean that your quesiton made no sense. Cufflinks are what one wears with a dress-shirt. Normal shirts have buttons to button up the cuffs, but not dress-shirts. They just have holes, through which you put a very smart looking cufflink to do the cuff up.
Oh dear oh dear this gets worse, doesn't it? Apparently, on the same side of the debate as me, the president of the Oxford Union has had the gall to put a Liberal Democrat MP, and the in-house lawyer for the organisation Liberty! I remember the latter person when she came to speak to our law society, talk about having a cause! As for the former, need I say more than the fact he's a Liberal democrat? terrible.
To that end, if anyone has anything that might be a humoroug joke to make about ID cards, I'm open to suggestions.
LL are you serious?! You have conservative party cufflinks OMG there is no hope for the man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Where is this dinner, can I come it sounds like fun eh. Frey.
Why yes, I have Conservative Party cufflinks as well as a very nice pair of Sandringham ones given me by Her Late Majesty Queen elizabeth the queen-mother. It would be an honour for you to attend this dinner, Freya, it's at the Oxford Union. but you won't be able to I'm afraid as you aren't eligible to be a member. We'll make sure you can have dinner at one of the inns of Court though I'm sure. I just need to be an established practitioner first.
Hi LL. I know what cuff links are! I'm just saying, why do you like need them, I mean, I know it's fancy, but I've always wondered how that tradition began. Any ideas? And pourquoi est-ce que is something I just randomly say. I know it doesn't make sense. Heh.
Caitlin
Well, the tradition began when there were no buttons on the cuffs of shirts, so the cufflink was the norm. It's now considered very smart to wear them and I probably wouldn't be allowed into this dinner if I didn't.
I'll say it again LL awwww you do say the nicest things! The queen mum gave you cufflinks? Did you have tea with her or what...?
I'll say it again LL awwww you do say the nicest things! The queen mum gave you cufflinks? Did you have tea with her or what...?
I was in a choir which sang at St James' Palace in 2001, so it was a year before her death.